When your first child is born your life changes completely from one second to another. I remember that when my daughter was born, they had to take her to see if everything was fine with her and they asked my husband if he would like to come with the nurse. He did not know what to do as he wanted to be with me, too, after the hard delivery, but at this moment I knew he had to be with our daughter. I knew I would be OK, but our little baby needed her dad to be there. That moment our life changed as we were now responsible for a little human.
There are so many things that change (most) during the first year of parenthood, there are so many things I wish I would have known before having a baby - and I will write a post about that, too. There is nothing really that can prepare you, though, for parenthood and how it will change you. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done and, at the same time, the most beautiful thing you have ever done.
Today I want to share with you 10 Truths about the first year of motherhood.
1. Your relationship with your partner will change
While you have to get used to being a mom or dad now, and getting to know your baby, you will sometimes forget that you have a relationship. You will fight a lot, want to get divorced hundreds of times, not be happy with your partner or just yell at each other. There are many couples that cannot go through the first year and do get separated. It is really hard because you might not be able to spend time together for months. Try to find each day, even if you are exhausted, to talk with your partner and to hug each other. It will make a difference.
If you really are struggling and are thinking of getting separated, it might be helpful to look for couples counseling. In most cases, after several sessions, you are happy to stay together and can face the adversities.
2. Your body will change - and it is fine
You have gone through a pregnancy where your body has expanded over a period of 9 months, so it is normal that you will not look the same after giving birth to your baby. In many cases your body will stay different. Pregnancy changes you: you might have stretch marks, your tummy will be jiggly, your hips might be bigger.
I had to fight a lot to accept that I now have a big scar in my belly, but everytime I see it, I remind myself that my baby came out of it and I am happy about it.
You do not have to love your new body, it might be easier to aim for body neutrality, something between love and hate. Aim to accept your body appearance - it is not good nor bad, it is different. Do not continue using your maternity clothes or try to get into those jeans before being pregnant, instead size up and treat your body with dignity.
3. Give up on having a tidy home
You might have loved having a tidy house and having everything organised, but after your child arrives, you will not have the time or energy to spend on whether your home is cleaned or not. It is difficult to accept it, it does not mean that you have to live in dirt, but it will not be as it was before. Your messy house does not measure you as a mom. You have now more important things to focus on. Do not compare yourself with those “perfect” moms on social media. It is not always true what you see on the internet and it can make you feel like a bad mom. If you are struggling, look at what alternatives you have, such as hiring someone that comes once a week to clean your house. We got one of those robots that clean the floor, and it really helped us because we did not have to do it by ourselves. We use the dishwasher so that we do not have to spend time doing the dishes, and we bought a pressure cooker to make food quicker. We used to clean during weekends so that one of us could be with the baby. But we accepted that our house would be messy, and now that our daughter is almost 2 years old it is even messier because of all the toys that lay on the floor 😂
4. Doing what I want, when I want
Taking a shower, eating, sleeping, reading, watching TV, when I want it. Not when it fits with the baby. You have to feed the baby when it is hungry, and small babies cry a lot when they are hungry and want to eat immediately. If you are breastfeeding, you do not even have the option that your partner, grandma or grandpa, or anyone else can feed your baby. It is all on you. This was something I struggled with a lot, and still struggle - being directed by someone else. We are used to doing things when we want them, and suddenly we have to adapt to do the necessities of a little human. You have to plan your day around the baby, and making something spontaneous is not always doable. Making plans is difficult because your child might get ill or does not stop crying and therefore you cannot leave the house. Your baby is the center of attention and you cannot talk with her to find something that you both agree with. But it is worth it because “your baby will never be this little again” and they will not need you forever. So enjoy the time they (still) need you.
5. You are going to suck at parenting and be awesome at the same time
Some days you will wake up and feel like the best parent that you can be for your child, and others you will think that everything you do is wrong and that you should not be a parent. You will not always know what is the best choice for your child or be frustrated when your child has a tantrum because you gave her food in the red bowl and not in the yellow as she thought you would serve it. You will be so happy when you make your LO laugh or when they start to give you a kiss. Parenthood does not come with a guidebook where you can just look up what you have to do in X situation. Every child is an individual in itself. You are doing great and the most difficult job that exists because you have to be there 24/7 and have no vacation. Be gentle with yourself, your LO loves you and needs you.
6. You won’t necessarily have love at first sight
If you did not fall in love with your baby right away, it does not mean that you are a bad mom. It means that you are a human that needs to adjust to the new situation. You might have had a hard delivery and you are exhausted - now you are left with an immense feeling of sadness and this is normal. The majority of women experience “the baby blues” - sadness, mood swings, and negative feelings after delivery. It usually gets better one or two weeks after giving birth. However, in a small number of women this can lead to postpartum depression. In this case, seek medical help as it can get worse and you might need to take medication.
In any case, it is OK if you do not fall madly in love with your little one from day one. I can promise you that at some point in weeks or months you will feel this love for your baby.
7. Sleep will not be the same
As I said before, your day will revolve around your baby and so will your sleep. You will not be able to sleep through the night as you have done until now. Sleeping until 11 am on the weekends has come to an end. If the baby is not tired anymore at 6 am, you will have to wake up, too. You will feel exhausted and will (maybe) have trouble falling asleep again after your LO woke up in the middle of the night.
For me this part with the sleep deprivation is and was the worst. I know there are babies that sleep through the night from the beginning, but not every baby does it. It is hard when you cannot sleep the hours that you need and are hours awake because you cannot fall asleep again. I sometimes nap with my LO so that I can rest a bit during the day. It will get easier with time.
8. You might lose friends
After you have a baby, you concentrate on its well-being.You are there 24/7 for her. You barely have time to take a shower, nor for your partner or your friends. And if you have time, then you will bring your baby with you, which not everyone will enjoy.
It is hard to lose a friend, some will drift away, some will ignore you - if this happens, they were not your real friends, in the first place. And some others will simply ignore that you are now a parent, and want to do the same stuff as you did before, like going out at night.
Some might not want to “disturb” you as you are busy. Write messages to your friends, do not spam them with baby pics - not everyone likes to see baby pics. If you see that the contact is not reciprocal then give it space, after a couple of weeks or months without texting you might feel the need to have contact again.
9. Your baby is not like the other babies
First of all, your baby is a human in itself, and like we adults have our preferences and dislikes, your baby will have them, too. In movies and nowadays on Social Media, we see those babies that fell asleep by themselves, love to be in their stroller, when they cry you just give them a pacifier and it’s over, and they sleep in their crib. But let me tell you, not every baby is like that. There are babies that will cry to fell asleep because they might have too many external stimuli and cannot calm down or they are just overtired. There are babies that need physical contact all the time and will hate to be in the stroller, but love to be in the baby carrier. There are babies that do not like the pacifier or even to drink from a bottle, and will prefer to be breastfed. There are babies that do not like to sit in their car seats and will cry all the time they are in the car.
Babies do not come with instructions, they have their preferences and are telling us what they like and do not like by crying as this is their only way to communicate with us. We have to get to know our baby, that will help us to make them happy and us, too.
You have to create a life that works for you, that fosters love and security for your LO.
P.S. People will give you a lot of advice on how to treat your baby, they will maybe tell you to do sleep training, but only you and your partner know what is the best for your baby.
10. Mothering is more consuming than a full time job
As a mom you have to be there 24/7 and have no holiday. Now a research from the juice company Welch’s has confirmed that a mother’s working week makes 98 hours of work, or 2,5 full time jobs. They took into consideration the average waking time of 6:23am and that it ends at 8:31pm. Although, not every mom can end their “job” when their LO is asleep, as not every baby/toddler sleeps through the night.
It is more difficult than you would have imagined when moms told you before having a baby, that it would be hard. Until you are not a mom and have to be there for your baby, you will not understand how it is. But it is also the best job you will be having. You will experience many emotions from being happy to being sad, from amazement to terror, from being chilled to feeling anxious. All, sometimes, in a couple of minutes.
One thing is true, it does not matter how hard it is, when your LO smiles at you, you will forget those moments.
The first year of motherhood was the longest and shortest year of my life. I shared a couple of takeaways from my first year as a mom, and I hope these can guide you through your year, where you will have your own challenges and triumphs, make your lessons and experiences.
One year down. Many more to go 🙂
Picture by: https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/motherhood-concept-illustration_7441046.htm#page=5&query=illustrations%20first%20time%20mom&position=2&from_view=search&track=ais
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